AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving
Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses
described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how
it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody
well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find
itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.
"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister,
John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately
600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or
lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger,
the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several
patrons were discussing Australia Day (Jan. 26) and the nation's general
lack of respect from abroad.
"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson
was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than
Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness
Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main
problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"
"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.
By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile
land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the
central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its
When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found
itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and
according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going
"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government
scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe
says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in
the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."
Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult.
"They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher.
"And most of Latin America is missing."
Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are
still shaking off the event.
"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor
Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but
they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions
were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is
"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we
aced the last one," Cayetano added.
Panama, however, was not so lucky.
"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through,"
said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal.
"We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When
I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."
When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia
"accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well
as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about
By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe.
"We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army
commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on
it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."
Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African,
and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's
withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In
a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands:
immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent
CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan,
a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a
4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.
U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football
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