Hello, my name is Alfonso Merkin. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, lack of sexual activity, fear of
being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
sending out 50 billion fucking forwards sent to me by people who
actually believe that if you send them, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas
with lung cancer brought on by second-hand smoke from the cigarettes
smoked by the big  bad men who kidnapped her and took pornographic pictures of
her for use on  their child pornography web site will get 6 fucking cents
every time you  send me the letter. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is
 going to give you and everyone you send "his" email to $1000? How fucking
 stupid are you?  Ooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish,
 I'll get laid by every Victoria's Secret model in the catalog! What a bunch of
bullshit.  So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the
 people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain
 mail forwards.  Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my
apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain
 which was started by Moses in 5 AD and was brought to this country by midget
 pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it'll be in the
Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of
 blatant stupidity.

Fuck them.

If you're going to forward something, at least send something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends,  and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a  nickel
from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it's your own
unpopularity.   P.S. Please forward this to at least 50 of your best

Chain Letter Type 1:
(Scroll down)

Make a wish!

Really, go on and make one!

Oh please, they'll never go out with you!

Wish something else!

Not that, you pervert!

Is your finger getting tired yet?


Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish.

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do.

First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds,
you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a
pile of manure. It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like all of those
fake ones, THIS one is TRUE! Really! Here's how it goes:
*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending
them a stupid chain letter.
*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for  sending
them a stupid chain letter.
*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.
*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a
stupid chain letter.  Thanks! Good Luck!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a  starving
little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no  parents,
and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for  every time
you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving  Legless
Armless Goatees Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember that  we
have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on,  reach
out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder
 - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897.This is
absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably  not as
many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works.
Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something  horrible
will happen to you like:

**Horror Story #1 Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on
Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She  then
tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed  down a
drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall.  Not
only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!

**Horror Story #2 Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter
in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was
his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to
hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat
adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You!
Remember that you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send  this
letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be Ok.

Chain Letter Type 4:
As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to every one of  your
-A friend is someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly  ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about  your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really  think you
should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the
check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his
wish of being rich to come true. Now pass this on! If you don't, you'll be
eaten by wild mutts.

There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any  popularity,
send it on! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but
otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know! If you don't, I don't
care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it.
Thanks!  Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain  letter,
ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna
make people feel guilty (i.e. the illie less boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen)
or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a
waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else
in the world, and say, "#$@%CHAIN LETTERS!"

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