From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for
weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks.
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.
what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and
eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition.
tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell
that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show
periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike
gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night burping.
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine
the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside
minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a
couple of days
saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the
would be right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until
looting started. --Age 15
[an error occurred while processing this directive]