2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep
away from children."
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out
in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.'"
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go West.'"
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead."
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty and that's the law."
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case
of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
But I repeat myself."
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad
Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to press 1 for English!!!