[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking place. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally,
her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black
come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into
space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do
that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro
completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even
me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of
jackasses in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I
wrote down the
Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial. I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro
lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After
a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said,
"Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at
1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right
out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes," "Don, you're a
jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added
Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I
had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of
jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a
solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said,
"Stop calling me."
I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
"Yeah, like I'm really
scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello,
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang
war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and
headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
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