~Rules in the South~

1. Save all manner of bacon grease.
You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or
her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being

3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does
not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year
it snows.

4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a
12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly.
Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This
is what they live for.

5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in
the same store.

6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease,it ain't worth
cooking, let alone eating.

8. Remember:
"Y'all" is singular.
"All y'all" is plural.
"All y'all's" is plural possessive.

9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating
a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a
Boston accent.

10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here,
are you?"

11. People walk slower here.

12. Don't be worried that you don't understand
anyone. They don't understand you either.

13. The first Southern expression to creep into a
transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective
"Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol'boy".
Eighty-five percent begin their new southern
influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred
percent are in denial about it.

14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is
no longer proper.

15. Be advised:
The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.

16. If attending a funeral in the South,remember, we
stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the
tent is torn down.

17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all,
watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the
last words he will ever say.

18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they
ignore those who do.
In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a
southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was
on when the car was purchased.

19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the
inside of their car's windshield that comes from
yelling at other drivers.

20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in
September can wait until November.

22. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of
even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your
presence is required at the local grocery store.
It does not matter if you need anything from the
store,it is just something you're supposed to do.

23. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South.
When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly
in front of your trailer.
This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the trailer and should,
therefore, be displayed.

24. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a
divorce have a lot in common
In either case,you know someone is going to lose a

25. Florida is not considered a southern state.
There are far more Yankees than Southerners living

26. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All
Glory, Laud and Honor.
You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have
mercy", Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".

27. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a
55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road,
remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of
vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper
speed and lane position for the vehicle.

28. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but
unless you already know the positions of key hills,
trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it

29. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own
their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or
that their mammas taught them how to aim.

30. In the South, we have found that the best way to
grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and
call it a driveway.

31.If you do settle in the South and bear children,
don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After
all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call
'em biscuits.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]