We proudly present the 1999 Darwin awards:...
4th RUNNER-UP:
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a
lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on
a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth
Hospital.
The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department
said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski
run called
Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers,
said
Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The
pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently
used the
pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower.
It has
since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the
one with
its pad removed.
Co-3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in
a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed
a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying.
Police found
him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed
the six-inch
wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
Co-3rd RUNNER-UP:
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing
above
him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell
on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP:
Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably
related
to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to replace the
fuse in his
pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down,
triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during
the party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man
had it in an
aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it," said
Payne.
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set
it off." He
put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out
and his lips
and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition
Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson
at
Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone
doing
something like that" Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP:
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot
through
the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be
released
soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye
last weekend
during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men
Anonymous
(probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's
Pass,
Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but
the arrow
entered Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone
1
millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been
cut and
Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor
Johnny Delashaw at
the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through
8 to 10
inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull,
yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also
said that
had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely
would have
killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends
had been
drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about
this." No
charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's
office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins,
of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica
concert at
the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having
had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over
the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup
truck over to
the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, who was
100-pounds
heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist
his friend
over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there
was a 30-foot drop
on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he
found
himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted
(and broken,
along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that snagged
him by his
shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down
and saw
some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring the bushes would
break his
fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his
shorts to
free himself from the tree. Finally free, (did I mention
that he is THE
LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves
scratched
his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts,
a holly
branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse (?!), on
landing, his
pocketknife penetrated his thigh 3 inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins,
on
seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, decided to
throw him a
rope and pull him to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word) by
tying the
rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However,
in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through
the fence
landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to
find the crashed
pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead
at the
scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
they found
John under it, half-naked scratches on his body, a holly stick
in his
rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a
tree branch
25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win...
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