* Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

* Pronounce all one syllable words with two.

* When giving directions, finish with "it's right down yonder on the

* Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can
understand what they're saying.

* When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em, "Delta's ready
when you are!"

* Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

* Refer to every soft drink as a Coke.

* Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a

* Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.

* Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g., Lisa
Marie -- John Michael -- Jim Bob. . .)

* Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation.
If anyone ever says the words "Civil War," always interject that "there was
nothing civil about it."

* Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady."

* Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's
"pa-con" not "pee-can."

* Put Tabasco on everything.

* For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New
York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New York!" say,
"Well I'll be, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!"

* When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of
Moon Pies. . . banana ones.

* Name all of your children "Bubba."

* Use the word "reckon" in a sentence.

* "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school. "Fetch"
something. "Warsh" your clothes.

* Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin' to do" something.

* Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.

* Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations.

* Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions.
"Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron
station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP.
Anyway, turn right there. . ."
"You said left."
"Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish
 on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."

* Ask them if it's still snowing up north. Then tell 'em you went
driving around in your convertible this weekend.

* Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.

[an error occurred while processing this directive]