Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old

woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published

in the New York Times.


Dear Sir:


I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month.


By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his

presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to

honor it.


I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire

pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight



You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity,

and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience

caused to your bank.


My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.


I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and

letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.


From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.


My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally

and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.


Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other

person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact

which I require your chosen employee to complete.


I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.


Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her

financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

accompanied by documented proof.


In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a

PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.


I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have

modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my

account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the

sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.


When you call me, press buttons as follows:




#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my

computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that

Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be

put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.


While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music

will play for the duration of the call


Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


(Remember: This was written by a 86 year old woman

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