Deep Thoughts
 From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were
 asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
 I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
 why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to
 wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
 the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
 It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
 like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of
people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
 weekends. --Age 8
 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
 just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
 Home is where the house is. --Age 6
 I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
 people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks.
 --Age 15
 For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
 the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's
 what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
 My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
 get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I
 should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn
 eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
 I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
 which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
 appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
 right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I
 tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to
 Utopia, and I show him a copy of  the Constitution. I tell Aristotle
 that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a
 periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They
 gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night burping. --Age 15
 When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better
 have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
 I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
 a lawn mower. --Age 11
 I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
 the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of
 for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the
 gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots.
 Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
 As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
 minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
 saved up. --Age 7
 Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
 is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
 It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
 No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood
 would be right there. --Age 5
 Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
 had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest number
 you could come up with! --Age 6
 The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
 "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it
 morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"
 --Age 15
 Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
 -Age 15
 If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
 peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the
 looting started. --Age 15
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