Congratulations on your wedding day Too bad no one likes your wife.

How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
meeting you, I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.  I never believed in
Hell till I met you.

Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin them for me.

If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.

As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy...

Thanks for being a part of my life  I never knew what evil was before

Congratulations on your promotion.  Hey, before you go, would you like
to take this knife out of my back?  You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.

Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't date a guy with boobs
that are bigger than mine.

Happy Birthday You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.  Now that we've
broken up, how about keeping your promise?

I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my bestfriend.  So
here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the
father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday---so we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad (available only in Arkansas)
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