For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just
need to take it out on someone!!!
Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on
someone  you DON'T know!!!
Now get this.  I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone
call I had to make.  I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely  saying, "Hello?"  I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and
could I  please speak to Robin Carter?"  Suddenly the phone was slammed
down on  me!  I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.  I
down Robin's correct number and called her.  She had transposed the last
two  digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
 there on my desk.
 I decided to call it again.  When the same person  once more
answered, I  yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
 Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in
my  desk drawer.  Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or
had a  really bad day, I'd call him up.  He'd answer, and I'd yell,
"You're a  jackass!"  It would always cheer me up.
 Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was
a  real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the
 Then one day I had an idea.  I dialed his number, then heard his
voice,  "Hello."
I made up a name.  "Hi.  This is the sales office of the telephone
 company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar  with our
caller  ID program?"
He went,  "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said,  "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how  if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it.  Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking place.  I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally,
her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.
Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.  All of a sudden this black
come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction  and pulls into
space.  I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do
that,  Buddy. I was here first!"  The guy climbed out of his Camaro
completely  ignoring me.  He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even
me.  I  thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of
 jackasses  in this world.
 I noticed he had a  "For Sale"  sign in the back window of his car.  I
wrote down the
 Then I  hunted for another place to park.
 A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!"  (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number  on
speed dial.  I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro
lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.   After
a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."  I said,
"Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
 "Yes, it is."   "Can you tell me where I can see it?"   "Yes, I live at
1802 West 34th street.  It's a yellow house and the car's parked right
out front."  I said, "What's your name?"  "My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"   "I'm home in the
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"   "Yes,"   "Don, you're a
 jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.  After I hung  up I added
Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I
had a problem I had two jackasses to call.  Then, after several months of
calling the
jackasses and hanging up on them,  it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be.  I gave the problem some serious thought and came  up with a
solution:  First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.  A man answered  nicely
saying,  "Hello."  I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The  jackass  said, "Are you still there?"   I said, "Yeah."   He said,
"Stop calling me."
I said, "No."    He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."   He said "Where do you live?"
 "1802 West 34th Street.  It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your
"Yeah, like I'm really
scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2.   He answered, "Hello."   I said, "Hello,

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance.  I'm coming over right now Jackass!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police.  I told them I was  at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as
soon  as he got home.  Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang
war going on down W. 34th Street.  After that I climbed into my car and
headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.  Glorious!
Watching two  Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest  experiences of my
Name withheld to protect the guilty.

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