Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the
strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M
duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing
them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser,"
and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another
round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher,
and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that
the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long
in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and
snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier,
or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness,
but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way,
the species continues to adapt to its environment

Part II

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of
the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it
neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc.,
Hackettstown, NJ 07840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please
use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a
free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set
aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will
discover the True Champion.

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