Tech Support:  "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer:  "Ok."
Tech Support:  "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer:  "No."
Tech Support:  "Ok.  Right click again.  Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:  "No."
Tech Support:  "Ok, sir.  Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?"
Customer:  "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."
(At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the
tech support staff what had happened.  I couldn't, however, stop from
giggling when I got back to the call.)
Tech Support:  "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer:  "I have done something dumb, right?"
Customer:  "I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message."
Tech Support:  "Did you install the update?"
Customer:  "No.  Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"
Tech Support:  "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you
see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:  "Wow.  How can you see my screen from there?"
Customer:  "I'm having a problem installing your software.  I've got a
fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad
command or file name'."
Tech Support:  "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive-go to A:\ and
type 'dir'." Customer reads off a list of file names, including
Tech Support:  "All right, the correct file is there.  Type 'INSTALL'
Customer:  "Ok."  (pause)  "Still says 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support:  "Hmmm.  The file's there in the correct place-it can't
help but do something.
Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the Enter key?"
Customer:  "Yes, let me try it again."  (pause)
"Nope, still 'Bad command or file name'."
Tech Support:  (now really confused)  "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'?"
Customer:  "Well, yeah.  Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the
'M' key...does that matter?
Customer:  "I got this problem.  You people sent me this install disk,
and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support:  "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer:  "That's what I said.  You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in
my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support:  "Did it not install properly?  What kind of error
messages did you get?"
Customer:  "I didn't get any error message.  The disk got stuck in the
drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it
out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support:  "You did what sir?"
Customer:  "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge.  I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support:  "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer:  "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that
got it loose.  I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke
and defective."
Tech Support:  "Let me get this clear.  You put melted butter in your
A:  drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"  At this point, I put
the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen
Tech Support:  "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat
what you just said?"
Customer:  "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your crappy disk
out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support:  "Did you push that little button that was sticking out
when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk
eject button?"
- Silence -.
Tech Support:  "Sir?"
Customer:  "Yes."
Tech Support:  "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer:  "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am
going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support:  "Let me get this straight.  You are going to sue our
company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the
instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice,
didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly,
instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the
disk out?"
Customer:  "Ummmm."
Tech Support:  "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do
record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer:  (now rather humbled)  "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support:  "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you.
Have a nice day."


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